I am not big on sharing stuff particularly very personal stuff. If I were Taylor Swift none of my songs would be about break ups. But maybe this post will do me and maybe someone else some good. There are many moments now when my tinnitus is overpowering. I feel trapped and unable to move forward with very much at all. Drawing, playing guitar and reading are all closed off. Too far away to be accessed. I can’t get past the noise. I feel immobilized and at times in great pain. It can be very distressing to see no way out.
Then there is running. Since I was a very very young child it has been there. Sometimes a little ignored but almost always there. A part of me for much longer than the tinnitus. I know how to get to this part of me. I can find it even in the darkest places, and I have run in some pretty dark places. When the noise is at its worst and I can’t find relief, I fight. I fight to summon everything I have to put on my shorts, an old grey shirt and those perfect shoes. This is the fight, one sock, one shoe, a half glass of milk, a nod to the running gods as I open the door. It is so hard to do this sometimes but once I am out that door, I am free. Within steps I am in full flight and free. The noise chases me but the race is on. Sure, often I hear the noise while I run now, where once I didn’t but the run is stronger. Every part that couldn’t move is now far and away. I know it will break the pain and temper the tinnitus as I fight to get out the door but it still takes the act of actually running to realize the effect.
When I return from the run there is still noise, same strength but it doesn’t have the same effect.
Running has matched it’s intensity and for now I am ok. I feel well even on those rare occasions where the run is tough. I can move on to other things. The motion creates other motion and I move forward until the next time when I know running is the only way out.